I Finally Get It
It will be a miracle if I make it through this post. I am so tired yall. I’m popping hard candies like they are ice chips. Instead of sucking on them and savoring the flavor I am finding joy in hearing the ear piercing crack as my teeth crush them into bits. I am one wrong bite away from serious tooth damage. And you know what? I’m still crunching!
This past month I made a HUGE effort to try something new. I didn’t half ass it, I gave it my all. Or at least as much as I had to give. It was challenging and it was vulnerable. It required extra thought and time. I adjusted my routine and made personal sacrifices. I balanced and fell a few times, but always got back up. Did I mention I was vulnerable? Good, cuz I was. Very vulnerable.
This new thing I tried didn’t work out like I expected it to. I learned a lot. I processed a lot. I endured a lot. I gave a lot. I reciprocated a lot. I hoped a lot. I put on a good face a lot. The point is, I made a great effort.
Now that it has run its course and been completed, I am absolutely and utterly drained. And not the good kind of drained. There are times when you are drained because you put your heart and soul into something and you finish and look at it and are so proud. A marathon, for example, or graduating college. These drains feel full and hopeful. Nope, that’s not what I’m experiencing. I’m just drained like a plug has been pulled from the outlet and I can't recharge.
As I sit in reflection, crying a little, writing a little, being in a bad mood a little and a whole lot of candy and cavities to come IT HITS ME.
I’m acting like all the kids I represent:
I tried something new
I put myself out there and was vulnerable
I gave it my all
I was misunderstood
It didn’t go the way I thought it would
Now I need intense sugar
And I’m completely depleted
If I had an IEP I would write in hundreds of accommodations for myself. Why? Because I can.
But the kids I represent on a daily basis can’t. I know I can wake up tomorrow and decide, I don’t feel like trying something new today- and then I won’t. I can decide, I’m too tired to go be vulnerable again next week, and so I won’t be. I can choose to keep eating candy and make myself completely sick.
The kids I work with do not get these options. They are placed in daily situations where they are forced to try new things, be vulnerable, give it their all (and then blamed and told they are not giving it their all when they are), crave intense amounts of sugar for their depleted brains and want to have screen time for the next 72 hours.
They do not get the option as I do, or as you do, to crawl back into bed and hide out for a while. They may shed some tears, but then are told to stop crying by the other kids in class. They are labeled emotionally unstable and difficult. They are told they have behavioural problems and have trouble coping.
I guess I’ll be vulnerable again for a moment and share that in this moment, I have behavioral problems and have trouble coping. I cry and don’t worry about anyone laughing at me because I can hide under a blanket and call in an emotional health day if I need to.
Why do we expect our kids to do more than we do?
To all my clients out there, to all the kids struggling, to all the parents and caregivers raising them…I Finally Get It.
Perhaps the best thing I can do is sneak a few sour patch candies and an encouraging note in my client’s backpacks, reminding them to never stop trying, never stop being vulnerable, never stop giving it your all. Sure you’ll experience rejection, sure you’ll get disappointed, and very possibly/most likely be completely depleted afterwards, but you will never regret being your authentic self. You let the world see the real you everyday. One day, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but one day the world will see you back.
I'm rooting for you (and me!) as we continue to be vulnerable and learn and try new things.
I may not have the same challenges my clients do, but I learn from each one of them every day. They make me a better person and I am who I am today because of each and every child who has shown me courageous optimism through their vulnerability and consistency.
Sara
