Am I Really a Single Parent?

Throughout the years it’s become the path of least resistance to identify as a single mom.  It’s an aspect of my life, sure, but it’s not who I am.  And yet it’s the easiest way to stop the normal and inadequate questions everyone asks, “so, what do you do?”  

For me, and possibly you, the list of what I do not do is much shorter. I’m not an airplane flight attendant.  I’m not a race car driver and I’m not an opera singer.  That pretty much sums it up.  I do almost everything else.  Although I do know how to put my oxygen mask on first (I just don’t usually do it).  I’ve studied and practiced all routes to the closest ER on multiple occasions and can lap that route blindfolded with knowledge of all pit stops on the way - and - my voice can and often will get high pitched… those things are not who I am, anymore than being a single parent is who I am.

There are plenty of parents out there, you may be one of them, that are married or in a long term relationship  and still feel justly (or unjustly) like a single parent.

So then the question that is burning in my mind today is… “Am I really a single parent?”

I used to answer that question with, “Yep! thats me, single mom poster child over here,” and then would skip articles like this one and move onto others that spoke into the woes and frustrations of being alone.  

There’s something oddly comforting in being told your life is harder than everyone else's because you're a single parent.  Generally these are written by an individual with several letters beside their name that has no children.  Why that’s comforting? I don't know, but it is.  Only for a moment though.  

At some point you realize that your single parenting has nothing to do with your marital or relationship status and has everything to do with your acceptance or non acceptance of the multitude of other people in your life.

Recently my child asked me about a friend I had lost touch with.  There was no ill intent in the loss of that friendship; it just naturally concluded as our life circumstances changed.   I was surprised at the questioning of my child and it caused me to think back on the interactions this friend had with my kid and memories started flooding my mind of all the investment this friend had made on my son.  Of course, my child is asking what happened to this friend.  It should not have surprised me at all, and yet it did.  

Being the introspective person that I am, I had to get to the bottom of all the psychological reasons that I didn’t consider how my loss of this friendship would affect my child.  One very important aspect is to blame.  At the time of this friendship I considered myself a single parent and now I do not.

Let me explain.  My marital status has not changed and for all extensive purposes to the naked eye I am indeed “still” a single parent, but if I knew then what I know now I would not have made such a thoughtless mistake.

You see, singular equals one, and mathematically speaking it’s impossible to be one when you are with another person.  It doesn’t matter the romantic or platonic status of the individuals.  It doesn’t matter the blood relations or the chosen family dynamic, it doesn’t matter the distance or separation, it’s the connection that matters.

When I was in friendship with the person my son asked about, in retrospect I was not single, I had another individual pouring in and investing into my child.  Seeing as though I am always pouring in and investing in my child that makes a  constant “1”, if someone else is doing the same at any level that adds in a “2” which means the singular nature is gone.  

I can harp and dwell on the fact that the responsibilities still all fall on me.  That emotionally, financially, spiritually, educationally, mentally and relationally the role still falls to me which reinforces the single feeling, but I’m not single at all.

My child asks about this friend because unlike me, he did not feel “single” when this friend was present.  He felt supported by his mom (me) + this friend that invested in him.  If I had known then what my child knew, then I would have felt supported as well and would not have considered myself single.  I would have been grateful for such an amazing friend coming in and loving on my child.

This is not an isolated incidence.  I am surrounded by my chosen family who live out everyday the highs and lows of life.  They stand in the thick of it with me and support me unconditionally.  What could possibly be single about that?

Some are neighbors, some are family, some are acquaintances, some are life long friendships and some are people that come into our lives for short periods of time.  

The point is, I’m not single and neither are you.  We have each other.  Single parenting doesn’t have to be terminal, there is an anecdote.  It comes in the form of letting others share in the love and loss of life right along with you.

So the next time someone asks you, “what do you do?” I hope you answer with all the wonderful things in your life you are investing in.  No need to throw a label on single parenting, let others come alongside and support you in loving your very lovable child.  In doing so, hopefully you feel the love and support of all the people surrounding you and never feel single again.