Every parenting style is different. I’ll spare you the definitions associated with authoritative verses authoritarian and instead, for the purpose of this article, just say you’re doing the best you can!
I want to discuss a growing concern I’m seeing around the idea of “defiance” and “behavioral disorders.” These are both very real things and I am not minimizing if this is happening in your home, but rather bringing light to what I’m seeing as children being labeled as “defiant” and having “behavioral issues” when in reality they are just doing the things we’ve taught them.
As adults we can be incredibly confusing to children, especially to children with any neurodivergence. We teach consent and the importance of no one touching their bodies without permission, but then turn around and ask them to sit on a tiny carpet with 25-30 other kids each morning smashed together during circle time and wonder why they are uncomfortable.
We teach them positive coping mechanisms and calming techniches only for them to be criticized for using their figits and sensory tools in the classroom. We tell them to sit still and pay attention when they visually and auditorilly are in pain and confusion. If they use these coping strategies and calming techniques they will be labeled as inattentive and hyperactive.
We warn against bullies and how to stick up for themselves. We teach to stay safe and not listen or engage with those who treat them poorly. Only to turn around and place them in a counseling office for 30 min a week for a group session on how to get along with the very bully we have taught them to avoid.
After one, two, three times of this you will begin getting calls home. They will sound something like this:
“Dear Mr and Mrs. Doing Everything You Know To Do,
We are calling to inform you of an incident today at school. Your child eloped the
classroom. We are concerned by the recent increase in behaviors and are setting a
meeting to discuss on …..”
OR
“Dear Mr and Mrs Please Stop Causing Problems,
We are calling to inform you that the growing defiant behaviors of your student is
causing negative effects in the classroom. Please come pick up your child, they are in
the principal’s office.”
OR
“Dear Mr. and Mrs. You Know Who You Are,
We are calling to inform you that your student is falling below grade level, is lazy, and
is no longer trying. Has there been a recent change at home we should know about?”
As a society we can not have it both ways. We can not teach children consent and boundaries only to penalize them for speaking up when they are not comfortable working with a particular child or peer in a class project.
We can not teach positive coping mechanisms and self helps only to punish them for using them in certain situations.
We can not teach children to walk away from bullies only to punish them and teach them to apologize and “just get along” in order to make a classroom dynamic better.
We can not label a child defiant for doing the very thing they have been taught to do.
Behavioral problems are not the same as a child desperately trying to cope with a setting and situation that is overwhelming to them.
We must stop and have the uncomfortable and needed conversation that asks the adults “is this child’s actions truly defiant? Or are they telling you what they need while simultaneously in a nervous system overload?”
Are we creating a space for children where we teach inclusivity and celebration of differences only to punish and label “behavioral” when they show any signs of being different?
On this Halloween our kids will dress up and become whoever they want to be for one night of candy overload and playing after dark.
Pay attention to who they are dressing up as. Ask yourself, if the person they are betraying tonight, showed up in the classroom on Monday morning, would they be labeled defiant or behavioral?
My guess is that for one night our kids get to be who they want to be and not judged for it. Unfortunately, come Monday those character traits may no longer be celebrated.
